Breaking News: 2 Cpls sent to DB
by Talkcock News Agency

Just yesterday, 2 cpls of the SAF were sentenced to 9 mths in DB. Their crime? For writing vulgarities in a USMS form (some kind of form where u write ur thoughts on how to improve the system, then the paper is either thrown away or left somewhere; then ur asked to write more forms so as to complete some kind of quota, but of course the cycle repeats itself and the feedback is never considered by the powers that be).

While the name of the corporals has not been released to the press, the SAF have sent their spokesmen, SSG Hong Lai Shu (translated to Pineapple Soh) , to give a statement.

" The two peepur uh...do the wrong thing... so must be punished. Write vulgarity on the USMs form is a serious chart and hen must be deat wit so that can preserve the image of the Assaf."

Naturally TNA did not know what the F he was saying, especially after it was revealed that Hong Lai did not know how to spell cement, calling it semen , and pronouncing discretion as description so our reporters went on the ground to find out more. Apparently the 2 Cpls were what people would call hokkien peng, thus the heavy sentence meted out as they 1) had no mini-star to write a letter for them, 2) had no results to act as mitigating factor and lastly had no talent in playing piano, which ruled out a fine. On further questioning, our informants on the ground revealed that the two cpls had been forced to fill up 10 usms forms otherwise they would face a penalty for "disobeying superior orders". In desperation they gave feedback on how to improve the welfare of the NSFs. When a copy was given to our senior correspondent Gan Ni Na, he was surprised to find that there was no F word or even the commonly used CB in the form. When quizzed further, the informant finally passed this slip of paper with the following words;

“We have treated welfare as a dirty word. The opposition, I think the Workers’ Party, has called for a ‘permanent unconditional needs-based welfare system’. I think that is an even dirtier five words,” he (PM Lee) said in a speech on Nov. 13.

Singapore to Create Area 51 for 'Aliens'

In November 2006, the Singapore Tourism Board announced plans to develop the six islands off the southern tip of Sentosa into a highly classified and exclusive area.

The Gahmen hopes to attract foreign investors to the further development of the area. The Southern islands are intended to be transformed into a luxury resort destination for the rich and well-heeled (i.e., not the typical citizen.) It has been compared to The Palm Islands in Dubai, a getaway for the ultra-wealthy.

Currently, a Chinese temple and a rich ecosystem is all that these islands offer.

Because the planned resort is said to be a getaway for the ultra-rich (which are generally the Men in White and the White Man, with his bevy of SPGs,) locals have taken to calling the new project 'Area 51,' after the secret US air base where alien technology is supposed to be carried out. As a local put it, 'kana lah, all these foreign talent all so wu lui, we definitely no fight one lor. Gahmen treat aliens better than their own people! Don't say we alienate them [politicians] hor...'

Said a Finn living in Singapore as an alien foreign talent (who beats people up because his dog got attacked): 'it's great to see the Singaporean government doing such measures to ensure that foreigners are attracted so Singapore. Singapore is the tourist hub of the future. Long live the Singaporean system.'

When asked if ordinary Singaporeans would have access to the resort, an STB spokesman, Wu Ming Shi, noted that 'of course they can come to the resort if they don't feel out-of-place. We want to treat our citizens better than foreigners, so if foreigners can go, why citizens cannot? However, just like the casino (which is free for foreigners but Singkies must pay $100/24 hours) to make sure you do not get addicted to the idle life, you will have to pay a fee to be determined to stay on the island for 24 hours.'

Remaking Robin Hood

by Gan Na Bai from Talk Cock News Agency

For the past hundreds of years, the poor of England have been living in relative comfort, having had champions in the guise of Robin Hood and his merry man. Robin Hood as we all know, has been reknowned for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. In fact, The International Herald Tribune ( a poor replacement of our GLORIOUS and extremely Non-POLITICAL States Times) has named Robin Hood as one of the worst Villains ever to roam merry ole England.

However, it appears that things have changed. Friar Fark, our very own TCNA correspondent has reported an alarming trend. For the past few days, many of the poor have suddenly been accosted and robbed. There are even more disturbing reports that Robin Hood and his gang are involved. At the time of this report, the Sherriff's office has issued the following press statement.

" At long last someone has decided to do something about these underachieving overassuming leeches. Its a wonder why they have survived so long in a society which I quote is by far the survival of the fittest.Its time they got out of our Elite uncaring faces."

It appears that the statement was drafted by the Sherriff's daughter. When asked by our correspondent how can a custodian of the law use such foul language to describe the less unfortunate, the Sherriff replied that "if u cut thru the language, her point is basically there. Some people just cant take the brutal truth."

Meanwhile, it appears that Robin Hood has decided to lift the veil of secrecy by handing a written statement to the press. While TCNA cannot confirm the truthfulness of the statement, we have decided to publish the letter in full...

" Dear All, after playing hide and seek with the sherriff and his gang for the past hundreds of years, we have decided to stop trying to effect our change from the outside and have chosen to be CO-opted into the system. Thus we have decided to take our cue from a certain country that was once Britain's Impregnable Fortress in the Far East. After creating a committee to study the feasibility of our party's operations, we have decided that opposition to the ruling party is futile and have decided to try and effect changes from within, which is what many members of the ruling party in the former colony have done. Rest Assured that we will ensure No One is left behind, so unless ur No One, u wont be left behind. Furthermore we have adopted one of their proposals, which is to steal from the poor and give to the poor. This is because if u steal from the rich, the rich will see their incomes decrease and will become more corrupt. Therefore i encourage all good citizens to close ranks under my new motto, Staying Together and Moving Forward. Thank you."